Grace to you and peace from God the Father and our Lord Jesus Christ.
The Congregation and Their Pastor
I was recently visiting with a pastor. He was frustrated. He was doubting himself. He was questioning whether it might be time for him to consider a call to another congregation. As he talked, I could not help but to think about the parallels between the husband/wife relationship and the pastor/congregation relationship and something I had learned from a family counselor about thirty years ago. I related to the pastor a theory this family counselor had about marriage. He immediately made the application to the pastor/congregation relationship without any prompting from me. He said, “I think this ought to be your next IDE TODAY article!” So here it is. If I knew the family counselor’s name, I would give him credit. All I remember is that he was from Escanaba, Michigan.
His theory went like this: Marriage relationships go through stages. The first stage he called the dream world stage; the couple acknowledges that some couples do have serious problems in their relationships, but, they say, ours will be different. Our love will see us through every difficulty. Almost without exception each spouse has certain fantasies about what the relationship will be like. I remember one young wife who told me one of her fantasies was that every evening she would have a nice dinner ready for her husband when he came home from work. They would then have a quite dinner together and talk over the events of the day and spend a romantic evening together. You know where this going... As it turned out, her husband usually came home from work dirty, tired and grumpy. He would wolf down his dinner, hardly saying word, then plop down in front of the TV and fall asleep! I suspect every pastor and every congregation has certain fantasies about how a new pastor/congregation relationship will be. Surely the seminary students who will have received their Calls by the time you read this will have some fantasies about what it will be like to the “PASTOR!”
Stage Two he called “Time of Disillusion!” This is when you began to think, I’ve made a mistake! By the time I talked with her, the wife mentioned above had moved into the “Time of Disillusion!”
Stage Three he named “Time of Misery!” This is when you move from THINKING you made a mistake to KNOWING you made a mistake. During this time, things are bad in the relationship. There is a lot of conflict, arguing and fussing at one another. Every little thing irritates. Worst of all, it is characterized by hopelessness--things are never going to get better. The marriage counselor said this is the time when 100% of the divorces take place. Some couples stay together but spend the rest of their lives in this stage! I suspect in the pastor/congregation relationship this is the time when many pastors seek a call, or at least want one, and the congregation is hoping he will get one.
Stage Four is a time of awakening. This is the time when one of the partners decides, Whatever it takes, I am going to make this marriage work. Whatever changes I have to make in my attitude and behavior, I am going to do it. Divorce is not an option nor is continuing the way we are an option. The marriage counselor says that usually the partner will catch on and realize, Hey, this guy is really trying! At this point the partner will get with the program and things begin to improve and the couple moves into the next stage.
Stage Five is the time of love. The couple that moves to this stage will be married to each other as long as they both shall live. In this stage things are good most of the time. Some times they are terrific, and once-in-a-while there are some difficult days. In stage five we learn to put up with one another’s quirks and idiosyncracies. Arguments are of short duration and both know This too shall pass! In the pastor/congregation relationship these are the pastorates that last 25, 30, 40 or more years.
When a congregation votes to extend a Call, the congregation is God’s instrument. Thus, when a call is extended to a pastor, it is God Himself that is calling that man to serve His people in that place. Because of our old sinful human nature, there are bound to be conflicts. A statement I make repeatedly is: The measure of our sanctification is not the lack of conflict in a relationship, but the way in which we deal with the conflict. Our Savior has laid down some very clear guidelines for His people beginning with the eighth commandment, “You shall not bear false witness...” What does this mean? “We should fear and love God that we may not deceitfully belie, betray, slander, nor defame our neighbor, but defend him, speak well of him, and put the best construction on everything.”
Considering our old sinful human nature it is only by God’s grace that any marriage or pastor/congregation relationship survives!
